A Good Day

Good day, note it. I have been losing faith quickly in my job. I will admit that that I arrived to skid row with the 'I'm going to help make a difference' and as of late that feeling has been nothing short of decomposing. With all but two of my clients severe addicts it is hard to follow them and even harder still to note their successes. We take one step forward than roll down the hill twenty steps back. I push, they pull. I worry, they don't seem to care. I have been talking about this with my friends and family however today something happened.

I was talking to one of my clients. This client, I'll call him JR has been struggling with his sobriety. He is diagnosed with major depression, previous suicide attempts, and at 36 years old he has been into rehab over twenty times for cocaine dependence. He has periods of sobriety, some up to a year. However, those periods at some point have resulted in a slip, more so a relapse. I have been trying to remind myself, this is his recovery as he tries and fails.

In December, before the holiday, I drove him to a secluded rehab in the Antelope Valley. He lasted for two months, one month shy of graduating their 90 day program. He returned to skid row where he called me to let me know he just couldn't do it anymore. He relapsed. He relapsed again. Recently he left me a telephone message at work, on a Saturday afternoon, telling me he felt so bad about relapsing he was going to overdose on pills. He told me his body would be found at the LA Morgue and to please let his family know he was sorry. (inhale)

That Monday, as I heard the frantic message I phoned all local hospitals and he was no where to be found. I called the morgue- not there. Checked the jails and not there either. Well today he came into the clinic and we sat in the setting afternoon sun talking about his life and his struggle with sobriety. I listened like I always do with little faith that I nothing I did matter. I listened to his story about checking himself into the hospital on Saturday and than how he got out Monday and used again because it makes him feel 'normal'. Then he said...

'Rebecca, why do you always listen to me. I have never worked with anyone like you before. You know when I relapsed last week you were the first person I thought of calling. Right before I scored of thought of you and what you would say. I thought about you in rehab and how I would make you sad if I quit. When I wanted to kill myself on Saturday I thought of you and what you might say to me and I couldn't do it because I didn't want to let you down. (I held back crying) You always support me and never judge me and always make me feel like I am important. No one has eve done that before.'

We finished a two hour conversation sitting curbside on skid row watching all the drug dealers and users walk past. I watched three people pee on the wall right in front of us and heard a woman and a man fighting in the room above us and the rats that roam the streets at night surfaced from underground for dinner. For the first time since I have been at this job I felt like I belonged, like I had come to the right place. I needed this and more so I need to remember this.

Good day.

My Bar

This is my bar. I found this bar on someone's lawn who had left it out for the trash. It is a beautiful bar however this piece of wood, trimmed with leather and fancy embroidered fabric, represents so much more than furniture. Through the years it has become a place where me and my friends gather. It was never on purpose, in fact I have two couches and table in my house where people may sit comfortably. However, when my friends and I drink, which we do in great abundance on occasion, it becomes a gathering place. It's ironic, no one ever stood up and drank in my home however I have begun to notice that an hour into drinking finds us standing around this piece of furniture laughing, much like your neighborhood bar. Here are some example..


Here you find Monique, Fernando, Todd and Alex, casually enjoying themselves.


Here you find Monqiue and I standing idly as Alex pours us drinks.


Here you find a handsome gent by the name of Berto, using the bar as an accent to his already sexy self.

It is weird. I was looking at this bar tonight and I got to thinking about my friends, crazy fuckers. Thinking about my friends over the years I can note not much has changed. They are the same, more strong and meaningful than years past. It is not to say I don't speak to any other people however I have a core group with whom I speak a great deal. These do not include my family, with whom I will always stay close. It goes something like this.


Alex
My best friend. He and I have been together since 1996, having both our ups and downs, he remains my best friend.


Monique.
I love this crazy bitch. Knowing her since I was 14, makes it hard for me not to call her my best friend. She recently found a new and will shortly, if not already, be moving to Las Vegas. Her boyfriend Fernando is great and I think they will have one hell of a Vegas wedding, it better be open bar. Though her and I do not see eye to eye on politics or religion, we have managed to remain very close even if our living arrangements keep us apart.


Todd
Having come into my life as Steven's 'new thing' 15 years ago he has since become a best friend. He and I see eye to eye on everything and he is positively the most hilarious person to go out with, even though our drinking together often finds me defending him in fights he obviously caused. He has a passion for assisting for those underserved people like myself and I will proudly stand and cheer when he obtains his grad degree!


Todd & Todd & Alex
Todd, in the middle, yup there are two todds, and this todd is also a good friend. Unfortunately he resides in butthole Costa Mesa so I don't get to see him as much. He is an intelligent and well spoken person, I am proud he is my friend.


Steven (with whom I hardly get to see!)
Ah Steven, what can I say after 20 years of friendship. There is no one like Steven.

It is not for lack of others that I don't mention anyone else, it is just these are the people I find most often in my house, leaning against my bar. Sure we have all had our downside. I have watched those above kick heroin, speed, and opiates, and sat beside them in AA. We have written each other while in prison. I have watched them fight, break up and reunite. I have stood in between them when conversations became escalated. But they are my friends. Never judging me, never reminding me of what I have done wrong, and always there when I need to complain,cry, and rant.

Thanks guys, you're welcome at my bar anytime!!

Life in a Month

Ring in the New Year!


Lobsters and Steak!!!!

So this is my 2009. I am getting over my third cold, actually this one is a sinus infection, however I am in the mood to write so I plopped onto the site. My 2008 went out with a bang. It was an awkward holiday as many family members spent mourning the loss of Mocha, dog on the go. It has been particularly hard on my father and brother however I am glad Mocha is no longer in pain. Both her and Sadie are eating poptarts in my memories now. I still can be found standing in my parents backyard yelling 'Action!' the word I used to yell when both dogs were hanging out together in a vain attempt to get Sadie to run around. It basically amounted to her walking slowly toward the avocado tree but Mocha always liked it. Her ashes currently reside on the my parents sofa, the sofa she was never allowed on. New Years eve was a blasto too. Monkey interrupted prayer at the New Years eve family dinner with a knock knock joke, he also passed out shortly there after. (see below for his celebration)



I didnt really mind the knock knock joke because I dont think anyone is listening anyway and once my sister got drunk she stole all the thunder! :) THUNDER! It was hysterical and so nice to not be the one on the kitchen floor for a change.



Most of the family was there, including my bad ass family from Davis that I never get to see. I love my aunt and seeing her hubby cutting loose and giving, nay, forcing out shots was a jolly old laugh. Save Jay when woke up puking, but you know who didn't puke, me! Odd huh. Anyway, I love my family. Notice the B's werent there but we did channel ichat!



And then Obama!! I watched the swearing in at my cubicle at work and cried when he placed his hand on the bible Lincoln used for his swearing in. I have faith that he will be able to unite people and move us forward however I am realistic in the walls that have to come down..



Last year brought my sister and Berto together. It has been so nice seeing both of them happy. Struggled and lonely as they had been and both not enjoying the dating scene, they finally sealed the deal at CVI and continue to be happy together. I am so pleased that two people who kick so much ass are making a go of it, (at Grover Cloverland)


See. it looks natural huh?

So 2009 rolled in. My brother and Mandy broke up. I think I took it hard, still hurts. I wish them both well in their future lives and hope to still be in Mandy's life, however right now that doesn't seem likely. I took the fall for lack of honesty and eventually I hope my brother clears my name but in the meantime I just want whats best for both of them. Berto will be moving in and I hope this advances my brothers responsibility and also his social skills. Poochie is single ladies, LINE UP behind me.

Vagina weekend came! This year we rented a cabin up north along the Russian River. Can I just say 'Is Tamara Home?', if you've seen The Strangers you feel my fear. It was so nice. We had no neighbors and arrived to the cabin in pitch darkness, well in the morning I would find us to be in the backyard of the Korbel Winery. Who needs coffee?!


The Cabin


The View!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me just someone got ripped off. For forty dollars you got a bracelet that gave you access to like 80 wineries and I feel like we did it justice on Saturday! We started off at Korbel and sampled every champagne, port, and brandy with decadent food to follow. Then like frogs in heaven we jumped from pad to pad sippin on wine of all types. Blissful.... It was nice just being alone with my sisters and my mom. There was nice talk in the outdoor jacuzzi and nice naps on the guest bed which overlooked the forest. I don't get to spend too much time with the women in my family and I always find Vagina Weekend to be such a supportive and bonding experience.



and ended up, per my wining, at the River Rock Casino, where I pocketed $320 bucks!! Amy won too! So I treated everyone to a bad ass Mexican dinner with nachos and beer! I love hanging out with the vaginas!


Go mom!


Ya think so?

All in all its been a good year. My relationship with Monk is going very well and he continues to astound me in his progress with his personal challenges. Work is still work and I am learning so many new things about myself. My last photo shoot went very well and I plan on getting back on this hobby horse.


-My stunning last model, Josie Bunny.



I am spending the next two nights from 8pm-2am volunteering for the Los Angeles Homeless Service Authority (LAHSA) helping them with their annual Los Angeles county homeless count. I used the demographics gathered from the 2005 survey for my thesis and also in all of my nonprofit work and political arguments so I figure I have to give back. I am just as passionate and forced in my desire to help others as I have ever been, however have been working on my boundaries. I know I am where I am supposed to be right now. I drove a client to Acton rehab today, out in Antelope Valley, and when I waiting in the lobby for him at his intake I picked up a magazine about outdoor living and the feature was houses in Moab. Odd huh? It's still calling me. I smiled.

Well I think thats that. Drop me a line and say hello or take me out for a drink in a new watering hole!

Home Sick

I am sick. Sick again. I just had a cold before Christmas and thought I was immune, immune I tells ya but no, no I am not. I went to work yesterday trying to power my way through the day and ending up leaving early. So now I sit on the couch stuck here surrounded by day time tv, have you ever seen anything more depressing. My morning began with Jerry Springer and now I am watching Maury, it a celebrity look like episode. HELP!!!

I hate using sick time when I'm actually sick. In fact I dont remember the last time I called in sick for being actually sick. I'm not out having fun, on a trip, or hung over. Nope, I am sick. There isn't much to do in your house when your sick. You lay on the couch and look around at projects you could finish but where is the energy. You lay around thinking about fun times you could having using a sick day and think about getting up and showering cuz you could go out, but no, you are sick.

My regiment includes tylenol cough syrup every three hours and 'Sine Off' pills monkey's dad got from some Mexican knock off store, these pills actually work and every once in awhile my nose dries up. When I sneeze its bliss because for the next three seconds I can actually breathe about of both nostrils.Ahhhh. I am taking cough drops, sippin tea, drinking chicken soup, and occasionally enjoying hot chocolate. I can't hear out of my ears and when I speak the sound of my own voice echoes in my head. It's great, especially when I sing.

Well, drop me a line, or three or four, I am so sad sick and bored! :)

Ho Ho Hoe!

Its been six days since Santacon in San Francisco and I am no less a Ms Claus today than that time.

Eggnog?